Chapter 1: Dear Mama
“Lashanda follow me”, why! Come here real quick let’s go upstairs” “for what Anton? I want to show you something sigh “okay. Anton was My Mom friend Angie 13 year old son. Mom and Angie was in the next room drinking and carrying on with Rochelle Angie’s brother. I think my mom was sweet on him and her only reason for going over there was to be up his ass. “So what you want to show me? “Pull yours shorts down and take your panties off”. What? No! “I won’t hurt you girl just do it”. Here I am all of eight years old with Mom’s friend son being told to get naked. Where were the adults? Not worrying about our ass obviously. “Lay down”
Anton said standing there with lust in his eyes. I lie down on the bed in the dark, all I could see was Anton’s beady eyes. The stench of my eight year old pussy was foul, So I closed my legs tight. Anton pried my legs open like two sliding doors and went down on me. Now at the time I didn’t no what this was called I just knew we were not suppose to be doing it but damn it felt so good and why wasn’t he turned off by the smell? this boy is nasty. Anton goes to town on my hairless monkey while I lay there with feelings of fear and pleasure. Fear of getting caught and pleasured by the sensations. “Lashanda! “Oh shit yo mama calling you” Anton whispered loudly while wiping his mouth shuffling to find my skid mark stained panties and purple shorts. “Here!. Anton hands me my underwear and shorts and I put my underwear on backwards trying to rush. “I’m coming Ma! We both proceeded to run down the stairs as fast as we could bumping right into Mom. “What you doing up there? Mom says looking at me with a serious look in her eye. I can hear Angie and Rochelle in the other room belligerent and drunk, Bootsy Collins blaring out the stereo system. “Nothing ma” I say trying to look and sound as innocent as possible. You stay from up there you hear me? Yes ma” I told mom a lie because Anton was still a kid like me and it wasn’t like I didn’t enjoy it. It was still molestation I no. Maybe if I was taught about sex and learned to value my body that whole situation could of went a different way. I didn’t realize being exposed to sex at such a young age would take away my innocence. I think adults fail to talk to kids when their young because it makes them uncomfortable, but sometimes you have to sacrifice what you want for the greater good. Don’t ever understatement children they are smarter than you think.
My mom was a gullible passive women whom I lacked respect for because she didn’t respect herself. She and my father separated before I was born. “Ma why did you and dad break up”? she claimed he couldn’t be faithful. But as a child I do remember Dad coming through and hitting it a few times so I’m not to sure about the validity of her story. If a nigga couldn’t be faithful, why you still letting him get some pussy? For money maybe? Thats even worse. When it came to men, any compliment niggas threw at her she’d be smitten due to having low self esteem. They knew she was an easy target and went in for the kill.
Allow me to introduce you to a few of mom’s crackhead boyfriends:
First there was Dwayne. Dwayne lived around the corner from us in a nice place that I often enjoyed going to because he had cable television. Nowadays that ain’t shit but back then if you had cable in the hood you was considered rich. Dwayne was sweet at first, aren’t they always. He and mom would drink forty’s, play dominoes and chill. I must of thought this nigga Dwayne was going to marry my mom or something because I got to comfortable one day and asked If could put posters on the wall in an extra room he had. He said no and my heart was crushed. Its a good thing we didn’t move in because that nigga smoked crack and always had white shit in the corner of his mouth. One time he came over our n started aggravating me. I was watching a television program and he turned the station. I don’t no what came over me but in a fit of rage I found the nearest weapon: an ink pen and stabbed him with it. “Lashanda you stop! Mom screamed, of course choosing him over me like she did with all her boyfriends. I’d say “Men come and go but I’m going to always be here mama! She didn’t care. Once a nigga lay down that pipe she was back at his mercy. Dwayne bought mom a coat from Burlington Coat Factory then came through later that night fussing outside talking about “Give me my coat back”! “I ain’t giving you shit! Mom yelled back. I’m sure he wanted the coat back to sell it for crack. Good thing my brother Drew friend drove up, and beat Dwayne ass. Me and mom looking out the window crying like some scared pussies. Dwayne, bloody and hurt walked off and went about his business. Mom broke it off with him and met another nigga name Dwayne whom she thought he was so fine. He was tall, light skin and had “good hair”. You no the kind of hair that black folks who grew up in the 70s thought was pretty like silk. Dwayne #2 actually lived with us for a few years but he was secretly married and living a double life. Did mom know? Maybe. She could have been so desperate that she didn’t give a fuck about cursing herself. Later on in their relationship she found out he smoke crack too.
This nigga got so high he jumped out of a window and killed himself. She didn’t even go to the funeral because his wife was there. And last but least is Kyle. Mom met Kyle at work mixing business with pleasure. She dated Kyle the longest out of the three. He was also light skin with “good hair”. She was such a sucker for them “pretty niggas” they be the craziest ones. Kyle was mooching off his parents before he moved in with us and saw mom as his new sponsor. At this point I was about 12 or 13 years old and started to notice my mom had absolutely no standards. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree because I copied the exact same shit she did, more on that in Chapter 4. “Ma! what happened to my new school clothes and shoes that Dad bought”!. She lied and told me she didn’t know. Come to find out Kyle sold my stuff to buy crack. I called and told my Dad thinking maybe he would fuck Kyle up, but he just put a lock on my bedroom door.
Part 2: Papa Dont preach
Not everybody who grow up the ghetto is without a father. My father was in my life and he provided He made sure I never went without Now since I lived with my mother my father only kept me on weekends and school breaks Going to spen time at my father house was awesome he made decent money so he was able to take us to the zoo arcade to put it blatanly he spoiled the shit out of us to compensate for a lack of emotional attention. Let talk about his relationship problems and how they affected me though. A lot of parents don’t realize how their love lifes affect they kids.
∇ΔMy Fathers most memorable relationships ∇Δ
Lil miss Janae or should I say big miss janae she was a light skin fat girl who thought she was the shit and dad apparently did too cause she was young but she was only attracted to him because of what he could provide. He kept her hair and nails done bought her a car even spoiled her lil daughter. Now being that Janae was young she was more like a big sister than a co parent. She gave me my first relaxer at 12 which pissed my mom the fuck off. She also gave me my first taste of alcohol at 13 it was boones farm that ole cheap shit with like 4 percent alcohol you want some? She asked I nodded d my head yes go get you a cup dont tell your daddy Dad actually came close to marrying this lil tounge ring having thot but it didnt happen he realized bitch wasnt ready and you cant turn a hoe into a housewife. at 13 I was hella buzzing. Enter Tam, I dont no what the hell Dad was thinking on this one maybe it was that big stank booty. Tam had 5 kids all boys and one girl. She used to live right aroun the corner. Tam Did at least have her own money and she had rattish tendencies but she tried to act classy at the same time. But when Dad told her he didnt want to marry her she flipped the script on his ass. Tam and her son coming up the street with poles in they hand I told my brother while looking out the blinds scared to death. I dont no why we didnt lock the the door but this bitch and her son walked right in my Dads house at the the time he was at work. Where yall Dady at? Tam screamed at us while pulling the phone out the wall so we couldnt call for help, No smartphones. We dont no we yelped in fear, when yall see him tell him get in touch with me. She said while walking out the door lil son trailing behind. Why we didnt knock that bitch upside the head?
I dont no we was just punkass kids man. We didnt no what to do we were in shock. Janae and Tam conspired against my dad to get him fired from his good paying job and. Tam got him put in jail for saying her raped her son rotten bitch. But see you cant do people wrong and not expect karma to bite you back in the ass. I saw this bitch Tam on the 10:00 news Apparently her house caught on fire and she lost everything. I said to myself look at god. When dad starting seeing Dela exclusively I was 15 and wild. Id done dropped out of high school and was freaky sexually active. Dela was this little coke snorting do nothing bitch. I dont no what dad saw in her but it mus of been what she could for him sexually I mean he had it going on skills, hustle, drive. So Dela use to travel to southwest Detroit in Dad car I would still go over his house on the weekend and I asked can I go with Dela. Me and her were like girlfriends shed stop by the liquor stop get a fifth of gin and juice and get me sooo fucked up. Little did I no she was going to south west detroit to cheat on dad with this white man name clay. Clay had a nephew who I found attractive little did I no he was 21 and a pill head. He used to steal cars and come pick me up.
Part 3: We Dem Boys
Chapter 4: She’s a very freaky girl
Being exposed to sex at a very young age caused me to lose my innocence. when me my friends or cousins got together sure we played but as soon as the adults wasnt looking we were dry humping. One time my brother Drew caught me and my friend man-man. We was at my mom house she was at work and man-man was on top of me I could feel his penis pressing up against my vagina through my pants I knew my brother was downstairs but we didnt care me and him both moaning quietly for some reason we didt hear him come up the stairs Shanda what the fuck yall doing man! Me and Man-man scambled to get up. Man man go yo ass home dog. Man man left quickly in embarrassment while I sat there feeling stupid. Now youd think Big bro would of gave me a pep talk but nope hes actually one of the reasons I was so freaky with his catalouge of porn. I was down in his shit stealing his tapes and dvds. He even had bestiality porn all that porn shit appeal to the lowest self it based on pure physical emptiness. They say in the bible the flesh is weak no wonder when my little brother was six we found my dad porn and watched it he said my thing moving up and down. The shit is sick. I used to hear him and his girlfriends having sex through the vent upstairs the girl moaning all loud and shit. Sometimes id be in my bed and hear noises coming from the vent ooh Drew. I heard my father getting it in a few times to I think all kids heard or caught some adults fucking I had been laying on the couch. Dad and his sugar baby drunk he comes out the room and puts on LSG my body goes back in the room and proceed to fuck his sugar baby Janae yea same girl from the previous story, brains out while she screaming out oh daddy oh daddy im laying on the couch like bitch that my daddy fuck she talking bout.
To be Continued..
Break the cycle
Chapter 6: Independent Women