A letter to my own mother.

From the womb of a schizophrenic..

I love you always but I have to let you go. This is not to say goodbye its saying in order for me to elevate to the next level and be who I am meant to be I can not have you holding me down with your bullshit. Enough is Enough, Its 2019 out this bitch.

You call me and vent about my brothers, my grown ass mothafucking brothers who still living with you in they 40s. You talk about how you cant stand they hoes, you talk about how they take advantage of you, you talk about my niece whose a product of a fucked up decision, you make me feel so low sometimes to the point that I cant stand to talk to you because you lack respect for yourself, you are a miserable person and I never looked up to you.

You never showed me an example or even if you was fucked up didnt take the time to coach me to be better than you or set up a better life for me than you, you paid more attention to entertaining a man.

Men who were crack heads, who stole my clothes for crack, men who came through fucked you and left you. Then you want to bring up all the men Ive been with in my life where you think I got my low self esteem from ma?

In order to become who I am today I read self help books from women who had their shit together women, who despite their circumstances got up out the toxic enviroment and did better for themselves. You didnt support my decision to leave your home because you wanted to see me fail you claim you want me to succeed but everytime I talk to you, you talking bad about my husband or trying to find dirt on me to gossip about. You envy the fact that I turned out to be smarter than you were.

You say things to me like the same people you see coming up is the same ones going down not realizing how hard I work everyday just to maintain what little I do have. Yall crabs in bucket ass people in the “D” see somebody pull up in a rental car and think they rich. You dont no shit about my struggle ma all you just see the surface and think a mothafuca got it going on. Naw this is what having some got damn sense look like, This is what having faith looks like, This is what not playing the victim looks like, This is what not placing blame and taking responsibility looks like.

You drank alcohol with me when I was fifteen years old claiming that you would rather I drink with you then do it out in the streets, What type of bullshit is that ma? You ask me for money when you suppose to be helping me out but you cant ma because you dont have an ambitious bone in your body. You are afraid of life, afraid to try. But I still and always will love you cause that’s what I’m suppose to do. How them herbs I sent helping? you feel better? Good. How my blog doin? Oh I need to get on it?

Her ass don’t even have a clue why I do this shit. In her mind this my ticket to getting rich or sum I don’t know.

I do this cause I need to purge this shit out of me and grow. Period.
Fuck the Bs, Lez GROW.

whatever

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